Nenek

My grandma passed away last Saturday.. it was a dreadful time for the whole family...

I woke up at 11 am that day... I took my phone to look at the time, then I found out that my dad text me about half an hour before... "Nenek dah meinggal." I was a bit blurry and I couldn't believe what I saw... I immediately called him.. He was in a rush.. he said the my family is packing up and gonna leave Penang for Lenggeng, Negeri Sembilan.

Up at that time I knew this wasn't no nightmare.. it's happening... I got up from bed.. freshen up.. and off I'm headed to my Aunt's.. 

Honestly, the whole 1 hour drive.. I was utterly confused.. I didn't know what to feel anymore.. sad? angry? what am I feeling right now.. it was all a big mess in my head that time... the radio was on.. but I wasn't singing along... I kept thinking of how all this could've happened...

As I got to my Aunt's.. it was already 1 pm and a lot of people were there... I hopped out of my car and my Uncle Lan told me that Grandma was in the living room.. There she was... covered by a long white clean cloth.. People were sitting around her reciting the Yasin.. including my youngest Aunt, Mak Nor.. 

I came near her, she just hugged me very tightly like she doesn't wanna let me go.. She explained everything to me... But I was silent... I grab a Yasin booklet and sat right next to my grandma...

So I started reciting the Yasin.. but again.. I was emotionless.. I dunno what is this feeling I'm currently having right now.. Then people came to see her.. So they unveil the white cloth to see her face.. She looked so peaceful.. Only then I lost.. I cried... a lot.. I was still figuring out why am I crying so bad.. I knew.. I will never see my grandma ever again.. I kept watching at her tummy.. hoping to see movement of inhaling and exhaling.. but that was wishful thinking.. At that moment.. upon seeing her face.. I was trembling.. Every verse of the Yasin I recited was unclear... I couldn't contained myself any further..

Briefly after finished reciting the Yasin.. I got up, wept my tears and went to see my cousins and aunties and uncles.. my family wasn't here yet... they were still halfway... Among my relatives.. Mak Nor was devastated the most.. She kept crying and crying.. She couldn't hold it together... After awhile.. I sat next to my grandma again.. besides me was my cousin, Ana.. we talk about grandma for awhile.. Then I told her I wanted to kiss grandma.. she wanted as well.. so we came near grandma and unveil the white cloth.. Before I kissed her, I whisper at the ear " I guess my wish of you seeing me getting married will not be coming true Nenek" I kissed her forehead a few times.. It was very cold...

About half and hour later.. my family arrived.. I only hugged my mom briefly as she was in a hurry to see grandma... They were ready to bathed her... Right after bathing grandma.. they will 'kapan' (I dunno the english word for it) her...

Then the process of 'kapan' is complete.. it's time for the family to say goodbye to grandma before her face is closed for good... When it's time to put her in the carrier, I sat next to her head so I can carry her.. I cried again... We carried her to the van and my cousin Razi and I were the only people to accompany her in that van..

We arrived at the mosque... we got out of the van and joined the jemaah for Asar prayer... After that, we took grandma out of the van to perform the Jenazah prayer upon her..

My granddad once told some of us that he wanted his family to be buried at his surau *musolla*.. at that's what we did.. We reached granddad's surau... There I saw, a hole 6 feet deep... When the time they put grandma at the "liang lahad" that was probably the most emotional part for all of us... Everybody was hugging each other and some of us couldn't even look... For me, I was so sad as I was literally burying my own grandma with the shovel at my hands.. 

The minute we finished burying her, tears started rolling down like the rain during the monsoon season.. That time, I really couldn't control myself..